Blog Post: It's Not Your Fault
Separating myself from responsibility for the choices of my adult children has been a challenge. When they sin, my first reaction has been to question: “What did I do wrong?” and “How did we end up here?” And if I am not to blame, should I blame God? But no, that doesn’t seem right either.
Blog Post: "Thou Shalt Not Covet"
If I’m honest, I must confess that I often covet what John has. Not his material possessions, but his gifting, opportunities, and influence. I’ve often overheard myself saying “If only I had that position, or that platform, I could do so much.” I’ve found myself praying: “God, if you let me do that, I will do great things for your Kingdom.”
Blog Post: Reversing the Effects of Distraction in Midlife Marriage
For years, your children created a distraction from your marriage relationship. Even if you were thoughtful to avoid becoming child-centered, the distraction was inevitable. Raising children requires most of your attention, both functionally and relationally.
While you were distracted, two barriers to intimacy may have developed.
Story: Things We’ve Learned By Experience With Our Parents (Henry & Celia D.)
Over the last 34 years, Celia and I have had the blessed, but difficult, experience of caring for aging and dying parents. Here are some things we learned that we hope will make your journey a blessing for you and your family.
Blog Post: Do you want your children to be perfect? Let them struggle.
Letting our children struggle is hard—even when they are adults. For almost two decades you hovered over them, cleared obstacles and erected safety nets to catch them. The “safety culture” demanded that our children wear body armor to ride a bike. We put tracker-apps on phones and argued with teachers over grades. Any hardship or injury was seen as a failure in parenting.
Book Review: From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life by Arthur C. Brooks
At Midlife, we begin to realize that our effectiveness is waning. This may cause us to question our purpose and our worth. None of us desire to be irrelevant. The fear of irrelevance may steal our joy and drive. Midlife is the ideal opportunity to make changes that will revitalize your effectiveness and bring great fulfillment.
Blog Post: Inject a Dose of Fun Into Your Midlife Marriage!
For newly empty-nesters, you have spent the previous 5 or more years in an all out push to successfully launch teenagers into adulthood. Your marriage has been consumed with coordination of high school sports, activities, concerts, recitals, and special programs. Your time together was spent mostly in giving your full support to your children as they built their list of honors and achievements for college applications or job resumes. Launching teens can be stressful and exhausting!
Story: Do It Now: Have "The Talk" With Your Parents (Brent B.)
Over the last year, Leigh and I experienced first-hand the value of taking the uncomfortable step of having “the talk” with my parents. My mother, who had a number of health issues herself, was essentially a caregiver for my father, who had Alzheimer’s disease. Due to the toll this was taking on her, it was clear my mother needed some encouragement and assistance in updating their wills and health care directives. She also needed to institute some powers of attorney for my brother and me in the event she predeceased my father. The idea of directly discussing these issues with my mother was a challenge, because neither my brother nor I had any history of open dialogue regarding my parents’ “business.” PhaseNEXT came at a critical time in this particular stage of our family’s story and relationships.
Blog Post: "Are We There Yet?"
How many times were you asked that question as you traveled with the family, whether on Summer vacation, or for the holiday gatherings? “Not quite” or “Almost” never seemed to satisfy.
Do you find yourself asking that question with respect to your role as a parent? “Are we done yet?” In God’s Wisdom, the answer is “no”—and that’s a good thing!
Blog Post: Restructure Your Purpose Infrastructure
By the time you reach your 50s, you have likely been pursuing purpose within a context defined by family and career for half your life. In doing that, you have built an infrastructure that supports your effort.
Nearly every significant decision was heavily influenced by the purpose of family and career.
Book Review: The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to Lasting Marriage, by Gary Chapman
Marriage relationships have their ups and downs: times of growth and times of atrophy; times of strength and times of challenge. Well known author and marriage counselor Gary Chapman describes these as “seasons.” In The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage, Chapman describes the emotions, attitudes and actions that characterize each season, and he provides strategies for moving through difficult seasons and lengthening favorable seasons.
Blog Post: Sibling Dynamics in Caregiving
I received that text from my sister this week. It came with a message letting me know that our dad is scheduled for an MRI tomorrow, after receiving a lower than expected score on a memory test. This news comes in the context of losing our mom just a little more than a year and a half ago, with Alzheimer’s.
Blog Post: "So How Are The Kids?"
“So how are the kids?” In many ways, I’ve come to dread certain gatherings out of fear of this question. Truth be told, there may even be encounters that I avoid so that I don’t have to answer this question. Yes, it’s well meaning. But, how do I answer it in a moment?
In most cases, this is just another form of the ageless greeting: “How are you doing?” Generally, I’m fine simply returning that greeting with, “Great! How are you?” But when the question involves the status of my kids, the white-lie of the socially acceptable response doesn’t relax the emotional trigger that just occurred. Why is that?
Blog Post: The Path to Finishing Well
My contemplation of finishing well started a little sooner than it does for most.
When I was in my mid-30s, my father’s two best friends died on consecutive days. I knew them as Uncle Mike and Pastor Bob. I had known these men for many years and had observed them in the decade or so after they retired. Attending funerals within a couple days of each other gave me an opportunity to reflect on what it takes to finish well.
Book Review: Marriage in the Middle: Embracing Midlife Surprises, Challenges and Joys by Dorothy Littel Greco
Marriage can be difficult at every stage, but especially during transitions. Do you remember the struggles and adjustments that you made when you newly wed? Then the relationship changed again when kids came into the family. Chances are good you have avoided or left unresolved many issues over the last 20+ years. Now that it’s just the two of you again, those issues are going to come back to the forefront.
Blog Post: Honoring Aging Parents
In these weeks between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, it's a good time think about how we truly honor our parents during PhaseNEXT. At this stage of our life, breakfast in bed and colorful neckties just don’t seem appropriate.
Honoring our parents during our midlife is vastly different than when we were kids. On the one hand, we have many more years of relationship that may have made things—well—complicated. On the other, we are also parents of adult children and have a whole new perspective on the challenges and sacrifices our parents faced.
Book Review: Empty Nest, What’s Next?: Parenting Adult Children Without Losing Your Mind by Michele Howe
Parenting emerging adult children brings about a host of challenges, internally and externally. When our children grow up and leave home, it introduces the void (or opportunity) of an empty nest, an altered state of our marriage, and new relationship dynamics with our kids. The practical and emotional impact of these changes is wide-ranging. In this book, author Michele Howe provides helpful perspective and advice on multiple facets of this phase of life and parenting.
What Are We Learning?
Sorry for the recent silence. We haven’t stopped PhaseNext—we’ve been fully living it!! Over the last several months, Nancy and I have been actively involved in the whirlwind of all of the relationship and life-changes that define this stage of life.
Our youngest child graduated from college, our middle child has returned home for a season, and our oldest child and his wife are expecting our first grandbaby in August. We are facing all the challenges that go with Parenting adult children.
Book Review: Empty Nest, Full Life - Discovering God’s Best for Your Next by Jill Savage
Author Jill Savage offers a guide through the emotional chaos that confronts parents when their children leave home, leaving them with a sense of loss and confusion. This dynamic is especially potent for women who have spent most of the prior 25 years dedicated to raising children. For the primary caregiver, their personal goals, dreams and desires have been put on hold for the sake of the family. Now that the kids are gone, they are left asking, “Now What?” “Who am I?” “What do I do?”
Testimonial: Time and Energy Well Spent
The term “empty nest” is a loaded one and brings many thoughts: excitement, anticipation, freedom! But this phase of life also brings anxiety, worry, uncertainty, and stress. How so? As couples whose children have left the home, there are many things that occur during this stage of life that one may not have thought of: how do we relate to our adult children who may be struggling?